Kristin Schmoke, mother of 4, teacher, coach, DIYer, gardener, and nature lover.
She is on a mission to help parents replace quick-fix discipline with connected, collaborative parenting. Through her work, she is dedicated to helping you simplify the challenges of parenthood while fostering deeper, more meaningful connections with children. With 25 years of experience as a teacher, Kristin has had the unique opportunity to observe child development at every stage, allowing her to refine her approach and support families wholeheartedly and fully.
Kristin, please share your origin story with us.
Kristin Schmoke: There was a time when I thought I was a pretty amazing parent. I had studied and taught early childhood education. I was the teacher who got all of the academic and behavioral challenges because they all thrived in my class. Turns out, it was my own child who really gave me the biggest challenge. The kind of second guessing yourself, read all of the parenting books, follow all of the experts on socials, create all of the behavior charts, cry at night, visit all the “specialists” and still have no answers kind of challenge. I started questioning the way I was interacting with my child, and even the ways that I interacted with my students. Clearly the traditional ways of behavior management weren’t working. Bribes and punishments weren’t the answer. I needed a different idea. That’s when I found parent coaching and a new approach to viewing my relationship with children as more collaborative versus controlling. It worked like magic and felt like a dream. Now, I talk about it to anyone who will listen.
You’ve spent 25 years as a teacher: how did that experience shape your approach to parent coaching?
Kristin Schmoke: It was absolutely everything. I have been fortunate enough to have taught in many different types of schools and across all of the age groups from preschool to college. I have had wonderful mentoring from some of the best educators around, which allowed me to gather all the best ideas and create my own approach and apply it in real time to a variety of ages of children.
Many parents feel overwhelmed and overstimulated in the world today. What is one of the first things you recommend to help simplify parenting challenges?
Kristin Schmoke: Slow down. It sounds so simple, but often a forgotten step. I would argue it’s the most important step. Reactionary parenting only perpetuates the cycles parents are currently finding themselves in. When we shift the speed, we reduce the yelling, fly off the handle responses that create more hurt feelings and distance on both sides. Instead, when we slow down we realize we get to respond from a more connected place. This allows for more intentionality, more calm responses, and opening an opportunity for curiosity and collaboration over accusation.
Your approach to parent coaching honors slowing down in a busy world, so that you can speed up. Explain more.
Kristin Schmoke: When we slow down, we get to see the things we miss when we are rushing; the little things. The moment where your child wants to put their own shoes on, where it might take a second or two longer, really is the beginning of your child putting their own shoes on regularly. That speeds up the “getting out the door” process because it is one less thing you have to do. It’s a building block for learning. Often it is our body that feels the need to rush. Slowing down has to be an intentional thing. Our world tells us (and our children), that faster, bigger, sooner is best. But all of the rushed energy takes away from the beauty of growth and learning in the slow, relaxed moments. When children are stressed, they don’t learn as readily. That stress slows down the learning process, so instead, slow yourself down. Take a few deep breaths. Get present. Know that the time you think you are saving by tying your child’s shoes, is not a time saver at all when they arch their back screaming saying they want to do it. It just erodes the connection because now you’re both mad. Plus you missed out on an important teaching moment. So take a slow, deep breath and let that moment happen in the time it needs to. You’ll actually save yourself time in the long run.
What does a “connected” parent-child relationship look like to you?
Kristin Schmoke: For me, it looks like a parent who is open-minded, curious, collaborative, and available to see that their perspective isn’t the only one present. When parents really slow down and remove their ego from the interaction with their child, it offers up a beautiful exchange between parent and child that can’t be accessed otherwise. It’s a shift to more trust. Trusting that your child will make the right choice when it really matters, then when they don’t, offering an opportunity for your child to talk with you about what they could do differently next time.
How do you help parents move from reactive to intentional parenting, especially during emotionally charged moments?
Kristin Schmoke: The first thing I teach is to pause. Pause before answering your child. Pause before making any movement. Count to three, take a breath, then you can continue. What happens is an interruption of habits. Now we can insert a different, more grounded choice. That 3 second breath allows for your rational brain to come back on-line and lead as your best self. If we forget, that’s okay because we are all always learning! It’s human to make mistakes. So just try again the next time.
What role does self-compassion play in becoming a more present and effective parent?
Kristin Schmoke: Everything. A parent who practices self-compassion offers an opportunity to realize that we are all human, doing our best, and sometimes we will fail, despite our best efforts. However, when we offer up self-compassion through awareness, reflection, and repair, we allow our children to witness the adults in their lives modeling this behavior and then embody self-compassion for themselves. When we have the ability to forgive ourselves, we don’t get stuck beating ourselves up about that situation, we get to heal from it. This allows us to be more present. Otherwise we are time hopping between past experiences and future fears.
If you could give every parent just one piece of advice to carry with them, what would it be?
Kristin Schmoke: The most generous thing you can do for your family is to take care of you. That looks like taking as many breathing breaks a day as you need or desire. They’re free, always available, and give infinite rewards. When parents take care of themselves first, everyone benefits.
Where can our readers learn more about your work?
Kristin Schmoke: I am the head parent coach for Empowered Educator, a magnetic company that serves the school community from teachers & administrators to support staff & parents. You can learn more about parent programming at empowerededucator.com
You can also find me on Instagram @kristin.schmoke.parenting
